A friend asked, "Why did you buy your wife a huge diamond ring for Christmas? I thought she wanted a new car."
"She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep?"
Boom Boom!

The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful that people think you married her only for her beauty.

And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people think you married her only for her money.

And The Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can't suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.

Childbirth

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
House was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old
girl, to hold the light high over her mommy so he could see while he
helped deliver the baby. Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked.
Her mother Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was
born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her
help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she
had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place. Smack his ass again."

Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends.  None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.  Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over.  Two claimed that he was still there.